Machete | Review

Machete.... Del Taco... Sangriento... Desnudos Chicas Calientes
All you guys need to know about this movie is that Danny Trejo is a big Mexican with a big knife. And he gon cut some white folk down. The film is based on the Grindhouse trailer and it's been expanded into it's own movie and I fuckin loved it. So we have Machete, who gets fucked by Steven Seagall's character and he is laying low in America where he joins a Mexican rebel network to fight a group of rednecks led by Robert de Niro to free the Mexican borders. Oh and Jessica Alba gets naked.
What you want me to say about this.. it's a bad movie. But why I loved it is because it was intentionally bad on the part of Robert Rodriguez in a whole 70's exploitation film throwback. If you've ever loved the ridiculous film making style of Tarantino, you're gonna love the hell outta Machete.
But the bad part is that Machete really isn't in this movie much. We literally have like 6 different villains and two side stories involving Jessica Alba and Michelle Rodriguez where Machete comes in and plays a role from time to time. It kinda goes by the same way Inglo Basterds where we come in loving the idea of seeing a bunch of dudes kill Nazis for 2 hours but we get them coming in and out through a number of side stories we don't give a shit about. he opening 5 minutes and closing 10 minutes were the best parts of Machete because that's what we came to see. Bloody awesomeness. There's this whole bunch of plot in the middle relying mostly on Jessica Alba and Michelle Rodriguez and we all know what fantastic actresses they are.
But Michelle Rodriguez was actually great in this. Hottest I've seen her in any movie actually. She plays almost a Che Guevara like character only she's in denim short pants and a bra all day with a big ass gun. She plays her usual tough babe but there's a sense of purpose in her performance this time, one of liberation and freedom. Jessica Alba presents flat acting as usual but easily compensates with a nude shower scene that lasted 10 seconds but gets me off just fine... just fine.
Surprisingly I got more from Rodriguez than from all the legendary actors in this cast. Robert de Niro, Steven Seagall and Jeff Fahey gave flat out stereotypical performances that were fun to watch but c'mon.. you guys could have easily done awesome shit. Here they don't do that much..
Yet this movie does keep coming along and do cool shit. Just when I'm about to get bored, they'd have a set piece so bad ass and gory that kicks ass till I get my interest back then it goes off into 15 more minutes of lousy plot and Jessica Alba acting. This movie had way too many storylines when a straightforward, simple revenge film was all I was really looking for.
Hated the none Machete moments but the times he's on puts a sadistic smile on my face that ultimately wins me over for this film. Btw Lindsay Lohan is practically useless in the film. You have to literally fight through her hair to get a glimpse of boobies.

RATING: 5/10

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